I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
