I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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