I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
