You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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