My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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