I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
