bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm too high and old for this...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
