i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize