dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
