using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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