i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Drunk is not a location!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
