A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
