i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
