i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
