i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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