My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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