my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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