Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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