Cold hands, warm shart.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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