Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
