____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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