How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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