All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
