just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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