I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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