i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize