i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
