First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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