in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
