i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
