apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
