if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
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