In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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