Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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