2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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