dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
