What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
