Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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