when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
