my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
