I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
