Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
