if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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