Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
