apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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