So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
