we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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