Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
