I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
