ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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