I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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