I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
