did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
