I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i am craving dick and cupcakes
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
