I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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