I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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