there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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