i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
