Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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