i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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